A Day in the Life of Lesbifriends

"I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends." - Penny Lane (Almost Famous)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Suck and Blow

I know I've been MIA as of late. And by MIA I mean, missing in action, not been in Miami. But while I was gone, I did a lot of thinking. And by a lot of thinking I mean I just sat and brooded over things.

I've come to the conclusion that like 96.29% of people suck. I'm being generous here because I honestly think the percentage is higher. And sucking does not mean a girl/boy gets down on their knees and sucks. It can mean a multitude of things. I mean honestly, why do so many douche bags roam the streets? It's really getting to the point that I don't want to answer my phone or leave the house. Then I stopped to think and that was very serial killer-ish and I don't want that reputation. Also, one of my top ten fears is being killed by a serial killer and no one wants to be one of their fears.

I'm going to compile a list of examples of things that make people suck. (thecheerleader helped me on this part. two brains are better than one, usually)

  • People who lie consistently. There is no need for that. Just because you live in a distorted reality, doesn't mean you have to pass that along to others. Don't spread the love.
  • Homophobes. Don't be mad because we can please your girlfriends better than you can. We mean you no harm. It's not a disease. You aren't better than us. You are just ignorant.
  • Serial killers. I think this one is self explanatory, but I don't know any serial killers. At least I don't think so. I'd rather not know.
  • Kids who walk into schools and shoot them up. Honestly, no further words necessary.
  • People who just change for no reason whatsoever. One day they are sweet, friendly and the next day they are cold hearted and distant. How can you do that? Also, if being cold and distant is how "you usually are", don't pretend to be something you aren't to make people like you. Be yourself.
  • When someone exaggerates in a repetitive fashion (i.e. "That guy lied so I fucked him up," "That girl looked at me wrong so I fucked her up," "My mom yelled at me so I fucked her up")
  • When desperate girls talk shit about the guys that won't give them the time of day but its so obvious that they want them.
  • Ex-girlfriends who IM current girlfriends to "warn them". Listen buddy, I know you just want your ex back. You aren't doing me any favors, so go back to looking at pictures of ex on your computer, while playing 'your song' and crying.
  • 'Friends' who try to make out with your younger brother. Just...no.
  • People who talk incessantly during a show or movie that you are really watching. Quit asking me what the movie is about and pick up the dvd case and find out for yourself. I hate pausing every 37 seconds because you feel the need to play twenty questions.
  • Katharine McPhee. She's so hot, but she married Nick. We all know you are a lesbian. Kellie Pickler was in your wedding party for a reason and it wasn't to hold your flowers.
  • People who make excuses for everything. Something must be your fault at some point.
  • The "Mafia". Seriously?! Fucking Scarface. Cubans don't even sound like that.
  • Girls who are ugly, but think being a whore makes them hot. Herpes doesn't equal delicious. Sorry.
  • Significant others who think you are in love with your best friends. Seriously?!?!?! If I wanted to be with my best friends, I would be with them or at least try. Don't be insecure towards me because you want your ex back.

Okay, so there you go. That list could probably go on for another three days, but I am choosing to stop now. Quit being morons and irritating the world.

Until next time kids,
-Jess