"Nothing happened. But don't you see..." He shakes me. "Something could have happened and it would have happened because you weren't here, because there are things more important to you than being with me. You never want to be with me." He shakes me harder and I have to think of something else, something that can make me feel like this isn't happening. "You don't care a thing at all about being with me, really being with me, and all of a sudden, she comes up and she wants it! Yeah! You know some people really do want it! Everybody's not like you, Jo. Everybody's not frigid and unfeeling. You're fucked up all by yourself. Don't you see? The crying, the way you never say anything -- you're crazy!"
The smallness comes back, like being wrapped in cotton, so fragile; I can't feel my heart, my breath, can't find a thought, can't cry -- numb and black spots -- light too bright.
-Jill McCorkle
And so it goes, right? He's an asshole who's cheating on you or getting way too frustrated because you're not begging him to drop his pants every five seconds and then YOU'RE labeled cold and unfeeling.
I am so sick of men. I hate romance. I hate that just because I'm scared and need a second to breathe before I sacrifice my life for you I'm a bitch. I hate people who say they're in love just because they don't know better. I hate people who can never just be alone. I hate people who make me feel bad or weird because I just want to be alone. I hate that I feel like everyone else is ahead of me and I'm constantly rushing to keep up. I hate that this makes me have boyfriends that I don't give a shit about. I hate that I don't give a shit. I hate that it only hurts me because I'm embarrassed. I hate that I knew it was going to end before it really even got started. I hate that I have a million and one questions running through my head but he can't even give me the decency to answer them. I hate that I always feel like its my fault. I hate that sex has become such a big deal. I hate that no one understands how easy it would be to make me fall in love with them. I hate how low my expectations are. I hate that I am called low maintenance but really I don't care and sometimes I'm too selfish. I hate that I can sit here and write this list of things that make me think of him and he couldn't even pick up the phone. I hate that I fixate. I hate that I sometimes second guess myself. I hate that I cry about things that sound good because I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I hate that I think I could write this down but other people always make it sound so much better. I hate that sometimes I think what he did is my fault. I hate that this fucks with me so much. I hate that I look back and change too much in my mind. I hate that my life would be a great lesson for other people but it won't stop so I can't start from anywhere. I hate that people can't see that I'm trying to open up. I hate that I don't want to tell anyone why I'm scared. I hate that I think it would make a difference if I just said I don't trust anyone. I hate that I seem so capable of being hurt and falling right back into this hole. I hate that one minor setback with one guy reminds me of what he did to me and makes it hurt way more than it should. And I fucking hate that this list is so damn long.
Peace, Love & Bianca Ryan (may she fill her tiny body with hate)
The smallness comes back, like being wrapped in cotton, so fragile; I can't feel my heart, my breath, can't find a thought, can't cry -- numb and black spots -- light too bright.
-Jill McCorkle
And so it goes, right? He's an asshole who's cheating on you or getting way too frustrated because you're not begging him to drop his pants every five seconds and then YOU'RE labeled cold and unfeeling.
I am so sick of men. I hate romance. I hate that just because I'm scared and need a second to breathe before I sacrifice my life for you I'm a bitch. I hate people who say they're in love just because they don't know better. I hate people who can never just be alone. I hate people who make me feel bad or weird because I just want to be alone. I hate that I feel like everyone else is ahead of me and I'm constantly rushing to keep up. I hate that this makes me have boyfriends that I don't give a shit about. I hate that I don't give a shit. I hate that it only hurts me because I'm embarrassed. I hate that I knew it was going to end before it really even got started. I hate that I have a million and one questions running through my head but he can't even give me the decency to answer them. I hate that I always feel like its my fault. I hate that sex has become such a big deal. I hate that no one understands how easy it would be to make me fall in love with them. I hate how low my expectations are. I hate that I am called low maintenance but really I don't care and sometimes I'm too selfish. I hate that I can sit here and write this list of things that make me think of him and he couldn't even pick up the phone. I hate that I fixate. I hate that I sometimes second guess myself. I hate that I cry about things that sound good because I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I hate that I think I could write this down but other people always make it sound so much better. I hate that sometimes I think what he did is my fault. I hate that this fucks with me so much. I hate that I look back and change too much in my mind. I hate that my life would be a great lesson for other people but it won't stop so I can't start from anywhere. I hate that people can't see that I'm trying to open up. I hate that I don't want to tell anyone why I'm scared. I hate that I think it would make a difference if I just said I don't trust anyone. I hate that I seem so capable of being hurt and falling right back into this hole. I hate that one minor setback with one guy reminds me of what he did to me and makes it hurt way more than it should. And I fucking hate that this list is so damn long.
Peace, Love & Bianca Ryan (may she fill her tiny body with hate)
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